We’ve noticed that the British seem to find Thanksgiving more puzzling than any other holiday. And so I’ve written the following, which will (I hope) explain Thanksgiving to my friends and neighbors here in the UK.
Briefly, Thanksgiving is the day when Americans eat way too much and then sit around and talk about how great it is to be American. In short, it’s just like every other day of the year, except this time, we get the day off from work to do it.

Some Brits might be nervous about attending a Thanksgiving celebration out of fear that it is a day when we express our hatred for you and your tea-taxing, King-George-obeying ways. Rest assured–we would never, ever do that on Thanksgiving. That’s what the 4th of July is for. In any case, Americans are far too mature to hold a grudge that long. We haven’t resented you for the whole Revolutionary War thing since 1997 at the latest. Nowadays, half of us love you because (even if a few noisy protestors objected), your prime minister bravely stood by President Bush in the noble and necessary Iraq war. The other half of us love you because (even if your wimpy Prime Minister capitulated) the vast majority of Brits bravely opposed President Bush in the foolish and unnecessary Iraq war. (Personally I fall into neither camp. I can tell that you guys have given up hope of conquering us militarily, and have instead decided to elect a Prime Minister who, by supporting the least competent President in modern history, will hasten the total collapse of the United States, at which point, we’ll come back to you, stovepipe hat in hand. You can’t fool me. The Special Relationship–it’s a cookbook!)
But I digress.
Thanksgiving was started by the Pilgrims, a group of English citizens who, tired of the cold British winters, packed up and moved to Massachusetts. (Sadly, the Pilgrims were not very bright.) They gave this strange land place names that would remind them of the home they had left behind–names like “New England,” or “New Bedford” or “New W1D 3LU.” Faced with a hostile environment, few resources, and a population that had already been depleted by a difficult trans-Atlantic crossing, the Pilgrims immediately did the one thing necessary for the colony’s survival: they passed laws to forbid people from praying in the wrong way. When that was done, they had a little bit of spare time, so they also planted some crops. This was necessary because, in the New World, there were not yet any pubs, and people were therefore unable to stop off at the local for several hours after work, forcing them to consume their nourishment in the form of “food,” which is much like “beer,” only more solid.
Unfortunately, growing crops is a difficult endeavor, particularly when you are in a strange land and you have a habit of wearing belt buckles on your head, which doesn’t exactly encourage blood flow to the brain. The Pilgrims would therefore have perished during that first winter, had not the friendly local Indians taught them how to put seeds in loam, fertilizer on crops, and–in a technique that would later come in very handy–smallpox in blankets.
And so, when the time came for the fall harvest, the Pilgrims were blessed with a great bounty, which they decided to share with the Indians. This had the added benefit of fattening the Indians up a bit so that, if the next harvest didn’t work out so well, there would still be something to eat, if you know what I mean. As the Pilgrims sat down to a meal with their Indian brethren in the spirit of love and equality, they thanked God for his goodness. The Indians tried to thank the Great Spirit as well, but a few rounds from the Pilgrims’ muskets shut those damned heathens up right quick.
That was the first Thanksgiving, but the tradition didn’t really take, since for some centuries afterward, Americans were busy spreading truth, justice, and democracy, and also burning witches and enslaving people, all of which takes time. As a result, Thanksgiving didn’t become an official national holiday until it was decreed one by President Lincoln. (The American “president” is like the British “queen,” except that one is an unqualified figurehead of limited personal achievement whose only qualification is being born into the ruling family, while the other is the Queen of England.)
Today, the Thanksgiving meal has evolved a celebration of American cuisine. American cuisine is much like British cuisine, but instead of frying or boiling our meats, we use a device called an “oven” which allows us to cook them without removing the flavor or adding grease. (“Flavor” is a concept much like “Flavour,” but by dropping the “u,” Americans save roughly 50,000 man hours per year, which we use to invade other countries. (If you ever notice that we suddenly dropping more letters than usual, you will know we are prepring 2 invde N. Kor. )) We eat turkey, cranberries, canned sweet potatoes with microwaved marshmallow topping, and many other historically accurate Pilgrim dishes. And we remind ourselves that, no matter what flaws our country may have, or how divided it may seem at times, we’re truly fortunate to live in a free and democratic nation. You Brits might be shyer about expressing it, but we know that this proud belief in the limitless value of freedom is what unites our two nations.
That, and a healthy dislike for France.