The second best thing about this news article is the opening paragraph:

A 63-year-old woman has been arrested on suspicion of conspiracy to blackmail the owners of a Staffordshire guinea pig breeding farm.

The first best thing is that the article never mentions what, exactly, the guinea pig breeders were being blackmailed over, as if it were so blatantly obvious what kind of dirty secret Staffordshire guinea pig breeders are harboring that there is no need to embarrass the breeders, the guinea pigs, or ourselves by spelling it out.
The only hint the article gives is the following cryptic paragraph:

The owners of the breeding centre – Darley Oaks Farm – are related to Gladys Hammond whose body was taken from a churchyard in Yoxall, Staffs, last year.

It seems pretty clear to me what has taken place. One lightning-lit night in Staffordshire, some mad fool created an unholy fusion of deceased human and living guinea pig, thereby unleashing forces they couldn’t possibly understand. And rather than summoning Dr. Van Mitschlag–the one man who might put an end to this menace–the villainous 63-year-old woman and her cohorts blackmailed the mad breeders, ultimately sowing the seeds of their own destruction.
But, please, forgive me for belaboring the obvious.