Losing the Edge

Posted by & filed under Amusing Link.

There are certain indisputable truths in this world. Freedom is better than slavery. A just peace is better than an unjust war. And the gooey middle part of a brownie is better than the dryer edge part of a brownie.

Clearly, though, there are some savages unable to accept at least one of these truths. As evidence, I submit The Edge Brownie Pan, specially designed to give you a brownie that is nothing but edge pieces.

The madness! What’s next? A peace treaty designed to promote endless war?

What mankind truly needs is a brownie with no edges whatsoever. Fortunately, a wise man has discovered the solution. All it takes is a 26,000-mile-high space elevator, or possibly a tunnel that goes all the way through the earth.

A simpler-seeming solution would be to set up some sort of website, where those of us who to grasp the inherent beauty of brownie centers could trade edge pieces with the unenlightened philistines who desire them, but I reject that notion, founded as it is on the exploitation of raving fools who do not understand their own best interests. The giant space brownie tunnel is mankind’s only hope.

The Temptations of A Married Man

Posted by & filed under Film & TV.

One of my favorite neologisms is “tivodultery,” coined earlier today, at my request, by my friend James. It describes the act of watching a TV program on your own when you normally watch it with your spouse.

The reason I needed James to come up with a word for this act is that I am being tempted to commit it.

I’m currently a week behind in Lost–I just got back from a week in Cannes. And tonight is the season finale. And my wife is in Helsinki on business and won’t be back until Friday. And we’ve watched every episode of Lost except one together.

What makes it especially tricky is that, according to a rumor from a reliable source (WARNING: VERY VAGUELY PHRASED PREDICTIONS THAT WILL TELL YOU NOTHING BUT MAY TECHNICALLY BE A SPOILER), tonight’s season finale has some huge, game-changing plot twists. Of course, they said that about the season one finale, and it turned out to be (WARNING: SPOILERS FOR SEASON ONE IN CASE YOU ARE TWO YEARS BEHIND IN WATCHING THE SERIES) the shocking revelation that behind the hatch door… there was actually a hatch of some kind. So maybe tonight will be a washout.
But if it’s not, then the next 48 hours are going to be very delicate for me. I’m thinking I may not be able to read any blogs or online news, lest I spy a headline like “LOST Shocker: They’re All Dead Figments of Hurley’s Imagination In An Alien Zoo! Plus Hurley Is Claire! Who Is Also Dead And Imaginary!” Or something like that.

Oh, tivodultery! Why must thou tempt me?

Good-bye, Tony

Posted by & filed under Life In London.

A few hours ago, I watched Tony Blair announce that he’ll be ending his decade as Prime Minister on June 27. (Or “27 June,” as we like to call it here.)

Pundits seem to be zeroing in on the part of his speech dealing with the invasion of Iraq, but for me, the most striking moment was when he said six simple words: “This is the greatest nation on earth.”

In an American political speech, such a declaration is pretty much mandatory. Somewhere in the US, there may be an elected official who has never declared that America is the greatest country on the planet, but I doubt it.

In England, though, it’s much rarer. We Americans are comfortable selling ourselves, individually and collectively. But the trappings of patriotism that Americans love–giant flags, country-wide celebrations of national pride, boasts about our nation’s greatness–seem to make the English a trifle embarrassed.

After a bit of Googling, I’ve been able to turn up just one instance of a modern British politician using the phrase: in 2002, Tory leader Ian Duncan Smith told his party conference, “For me, this is the greatest country on earth.” And note the first two words of the quote, which qualify it as a subject personal preference, not an indisputable scientific fact.

If you read Blair’s quote, you’ll notice no such hedging. However, if you hear it, or watch the video, you’ll notice a slightly defensive tone in the way he says it.

Help Me Sell Books

Posted by & filed under Shameless self-promotion.

Now that The Government Manual for New Pirates is shipping, I have a few requests for my friends. (And by “friends,” I mean “anybody who is willing to help me sell books.” If Mahmoud Ahmandinejad gives me a good review on Amazon.com, then by God, he counts as well.)

1. If you’ve read New PIrates and enjoyed it, write up a little review of it at its webpage on Amazon and/or the online retailer of your choice. This doesn’t have to be long or detailed–just a few sentences so that anybody browsing the page will know that other folks have read and enjoyed the book.

2. While you’re visiting the pirates Amazon page, take a minute and enter some “tags” for the book. “Tags” are just keywords that Amazon uses to help classify the book. Adding tags will help Amazon recommend The Government Manual for New Pirates to users who might like it.

To enter tags, scroll down to “Tag this product”, or just hit “t” twice. Then, in the little box, enter a word or phrase you think is relevant to the book. “Pirates” would be a good one. Hit enter, and type in the next word or phrase. In addition to “pirates”, here are some other tags you might enter:

funny
humor
pirate
Pirates of the Caribbean
gift

I admit–I don’t know how much importance Amazon places on tags, so don’t spend too much time doing this. But if you’re willing to spend a minute or so, it might well be worthwhile.

Ten thousand thundering typhoons!

Posted by & filed under Amusing Link.

The Government Manual for New Pirates is now shipping from Amazon, and I imagine that it will be in real-life bookstores at any moment.

In honor of this momentous occasion, Matthew and I are pleased to unveil The Official Website of the Pirate Government. Of particular utility is the Automatic Pirate Curse Generator, which will provide you with an entirely new, randomly generated curse every time you load the page.

A billion baroque basilisks on a musty marlinspike! Why are you still reading this when you should be clicking the link?

BBC Scripts Online

Posted by & filed under Film & TV.

As I’ve mentioned before, the Brits think Americans make better TV writers, and Americans think it’s the other way around.
If you’d like evidence of just how much TV-writing talent there is in the UK, the BBC has made an archive of downloadable TV scripts available online. It includes scripts for British soaps like Eastenders, dramas like the new Doctor Who, sitcoms, and radio shows as well.

Living In A Fantasy World

Posted by & filed under Commentary.

As a White House spokesman recently put it, “”I don’t know if Sen. Leahy is also an [information technology] expert, but I can assure you that we are working very hard to make sure that we find the e-mails that were potentially lost and that we are responsive to the requests, if there are responses that need providing, on the U.S. attorneys matters. We’re being very honest and forthcoming.”
Tech-and-politics blogger Carpetblogger (also known as my brother-in-law Mike) has a straightforward reply to this:

Guess what. I am an information technology expert. The White House is full of shit. With the equipment I have on my desk at home I could recover any missing e-mails from their computers.

I am shocked at this unfair implication about our noble and trustworthy White House. Yes, if they had access to an information technology expert, they could no doubt recover the e-mails. But how are they going to find such an expert? Oh, sure, if there were some sort of international electronic communications network that computer experts and ordinary citizens could both use–or if every household in America had a bound printed listing of local business, perhaps printed on high-visibility yellow paper–or if one of the nation’s largest technology corridors happen to be located right outside the Beltway–then we might imagine the White House could find a competent IT guy in seconds. But why indulge in these crazy, sci-fi scenarios? Why can’t you accept that our President and his advisors lie awake at night, consumed with angst at their inability to recover these irretrievably lost (but entirely innocent) e-mails?

The Truth About Mordachai

Posted by & filed under Film & TV.

Every year at the Jewish holiday of Purim, my friend Rob Kutner–a writer for The Daily Show–gets a puts together a comedy show to raise money for charity. In past years, I’ve written sketches for it.

This year, he asked me to make some short films for it: political attack ads featuring Haman (the villain of the story) tearing into Mordachai (the hero). I’ve uploaded them here.

Warning: may not be funny to Gentiles.

The Revolution is coming!

Posted by & filed under Life In London.

For many years, Man has maintained mastery over Dog for a simple reason: we know how to buy dogfood, and they do not.

Now, I fear, this may change. I bring you shocking photographic proof that dogs have mastered the intricacies of capitalism:


As the Metro reports, service dogs are now being trained to use ATM machines. Sure, it seems cute and helpful now, but when you wake up one morning to find your bank account empty and a diamond-studded humancollar around your neck, you’ll wish you had heeded my warning.